9Monday, October 23
ugh. i can't believe that it has been more than a month since my last post. haha. anyways, i really don't have much to talk about besides the revelation of how much of a war freak i've became over the years. i really don't ask myself why because i already know the reason. i guess i've always been fighting, fighting and fighting for others and for myself. so i guess that's where it comes from.
ugh. my phone's busted and mom won't buy me a new one. i can't live without a phone! can't she see that?!
i don't like the idea of still falling for him but the truth is, i still am falling for him. i guess i can't let him go just yet. why? i guess i haven't cried enough for him. i still don't have closure. why? i think it's because i haven't gathered up the courage to finally tell him what i truly feel. i guess i just fell in love because i liked the ride but it's time to get off now, but the seatbelt won't let me. grr. or maybe i just glued myself to the seat. i really don't know.
i really don't choose to be confused most of the time, but i just am confused. i just put myself into situations of which at some point, seem to control me instead of me controlling it. i must admit, watching the view from a far and seeing the pieces fall into perspective is quite relaxing but it's a hell of a lot better if u grab the situation. irgh.
. . . get me off of this roller coaster ride
9Saturday, September 2
remember the entry "i feel like she's losing her grip..." well, it happened. she lost her grip and i'm finding myself trying so hard to pick up the pieces of something i thought was the most real thing i ever had,
gravity. well, not exactly gravity. but bebe. it's hard to walk down that hall knowing that i'm missing a very important part of me. it's hard to tell myself that even if most of the people know that i'm innocent and some know the terrifying truth already, we're still not in good terms. now, i hear that she's going to drop out after the 2nd quarter. gaud. how i wish i could talk to her and help her out with what she's going through. and maybe, just maybe, be able to put some closure on this shit. seriously, i want things to go back to what they were before. but i guess that's another one of my 'idealistic dreams'.
speaking of dreams. my wonderwall, panji, told me something so against my belief when it comes to dreams. he told me. "good night. sweet dreams and may they come true". it's just so weird that my wonderwall told me that when he know that i believe that dreams are made for sleeping. and just for that. something to guide u whenever reality is getting way out of hand. dreams are important.
they're the reality we want and the reality we can't have. [tet heaves a heavy sigh]
9Sunday, August 20
gaud. i am still hung up with the fact that saturday night and sunday morning was such a blast that i can't even find the right word to say. i mean, it was pure bliss. it was something that i will never, and i mean never forget.
i can't believe that it took me this long to actually open my eyes to the fact that no matter what happens, i've got 'the guys' to catch me. aagghh! words can never express my gratitude to the bf bois. super duper mahal q clang lahat. [mahal as in platonic love ah!]
i don't want to talk about the whole party coz it would be such a long entry at malamang qng mahaba un entry, kahit aq, tatamarin magbasa. i'll just tell u guys the highlights of the party from my point of view.
the car ride going there and going to eastwood was so fun. i mean, i actually had fun sa car plng. o dba? edi ang saya! =) haha. the laughs and the inisan. wahoo!
i was seated in between archie and kev. sobrang protectors. =) thanks, guys.
the 'foam technique' that cocoy started. oh yeah! that was fun. un un ngstart nun paginom ng straight. wah! haha.
the balcony view. my one step closer to the edge. oh yes. that was my senti spot. andami qng hinatak don. haha. mei nanyare din dun na sobrang nagising aq na 'friends q nga ang bf bois'. hai. sobrang salamat mga chong.
~> woah. thoughts galore sa balcony. word of the day namen ni raev 'inevitable'. ton : "don't english me, i panic!" [lol] haha. shitty. party na nga ngppksenti aq. tas umiyak pa aq. dun q naprove na anjan tlga cla para sakin. cinonfirm lng nila sa actions and words nila. i was so comforted by the words na "andto lng lagi kami sa likod mo", "one of the bois ka na", "malamang ikaw un aalagaan namen kc ikaw un nagiisang babae eh", "baby ka nmen". woah! sobrang salamat tlga.
~> nun pgblik nmen from my crying moment. na "t.h" ni majic qng bakit aq umiyak. inaaning q pa nga xa na ndi tama un t.h nia. but no! sobrang tama. uh oh. ang galing mo, majic! =)
sobrang sulit samen ni patrick, aaron at ditz un coffee vendo dun. haha.
a few hours after the balcony moment, countdown na sa birthday ni kev. =) HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEV! halabshu, chong.
when it was 1 na. we went to eastwood na. nauna kami nila mimo, patrick, aiah at ton bumaba. eh mejo nainip ata cla aiah kaia sinundo nmen ni ton at ni pat un mga nasa taas. pagdating nmen sa floor na un, cla pla un ngiintay nun elevator. haha. eh kc mei girl na nksbay nmen sa elevator na sa 20th floor pa bababa, so dumaan munang 20th floor bago bumaba ulet. haha. eh dumaan un elevator dun sa same floor, so c majic at c arby lumabas ng sumasayaw pa tas pumasok cla ulet ng elevator kc nga dba mali un floor. [lol]
karaoke sa eastwood. haha. ang saya2. ditz! my way! haha. super saya. =)
kev, aiah, mimo, cocoy, archie, aaron, patrick, kim, dtiz, ton, mike, raev, vinci, arby, tan, majic and tinio. sobrang thanks. mahal na mahal q keong lahat. =)
thanks for being my escape.
9Friday, August 18
yes. 1 quarter down and 3 to go until fourth year! 9 down and 7 more to go until college. yes! success! we're still alive. =) we survived the first quarter of what people continually tell us is the 'most dreaded year'. aius lng kahit mei mga eyebags tau! buhay pa nmn tau eh. dba? =)
i feel as if i'm losing my grip. she's letting go bit by bit. why? honestly, i don't know. and some part of me just wants to leave it alone coz time will inevitably tell her to get over it. i mean, it's not my fault she's going through this. but eventhough she's going through this big of a shit, i'm still there for her, supporting her all the way. =)
hai. the deep thoughts, emo-ness, reflection and intellectualizing things will never seize to conquer my very existence. honestly, i'm really, and i mean really confused right now. honestly, i'm not ready for a relationship right now. i'm more comfortable with being 'just friends' or 'friends with benefits'. get? i mean. being commited 100% isn't really on my list of priorities right now. i'm fine with the idea of things and flings. =) honestly, i'd prefer that than being in a relationship as of the moment. =)
okay, don't go thinking that 'oh, she's been too hurt to even care for what she truly feels' or 'she's so scared of her feelings' or worse ' she's so emotionally unstable'. honey, u don't know me aryt? u don't know what i've been through. u don't know how many devastating falls i had to conquer just to be able to stand up tall right now. so don't u dare judge me. i'm fucking tired of that shit already. i've had my fair share already, and honestly, i've had enough of that.
anyway, back to the real topic. right now, i have feelings for someone but it's slowly fading. and yet there's still an unspoken spark that i refuse to kindle just for the sake of our friendship. but the thing is, i wanna tell him out loud what i really feel. honestly, i can't seem to be quiet about my feelings toward people. especially to those i love. may it be platonic or the unconditional kind of love. i just can't stand the fact that there were certain words left unsaid. but honestly, i'm happy that we're still keeping in touch. i'm rather happy this way. i guess i just have to keep it in the inside for now. after all, the feeling isn't mutual. [sigh]
yes! my beloved midnight escapades are back! yes! this is gonna be fun! =)
. . . i want you to know this, i love you.
9Monday, August 14
don't wake me up from the dream that i'm living in. it would be far more better for me to stay here and be with u than to wake up to the reality that it will never, and i mean never, come true.
we had our comm. ex number 3 [?!] a while ago. "when i fall in love, there would be nothing better" hai. [sighs] i just poured my heart into that piece. the funny thing is. i'm SO not contented with what i wrote. i tried my best to scan my brain for the "perfect" words to state my insights so that people could more or less understand. but the more i tried, the more lost i became. argh! basta. "when i fall in love, there would be nothing better." [PROMISE]
9Saturday, August 12
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLE!!!
I LOVE YOU. SO DAMN MUCH.
wahoo. 16 hours of sleep is heaven! i'm telling you. they say that it's bad to oversleep and i say "the heck with you!". try not sleeping well for 5 days and not having a second of sleep for 1 day and then tell me that 16 hours is OVERSLEEPING already. i'll chop your head off, dude.
anyway, i wanna go out tonight, but i have to study for the exams. darn. i just can't believe that what i have done for the past few months can't be changed now. whatever i have now is all that i can work with. argh. leche! ONE MORE QUIZ SA GEOM PLEASE! irgh. is this it? the first quarter is almost over and i'm feeling so darn stressed! tama ba talaga toh?! it just can't be. if this is JUST the first quarter and i felt like giving up already, what more for the next 3 quarters? aahh. but when i think about it, i gave myself the stress. and i didn't sleep well for the last few days coz i had to help my friends out. it's stress for the better. =)
i'm getting better and better by the minute. at least the exams are all that's left. even if the schedule for the exams are hell, KAYA NATIN TOH! we can never give up! i'm telling you. if it has to lead with big eyebags and the like, then it's okay. at least we're gonna get good grades. haha. this is the deciding year, dudes. we have to make the most out of it. =)
elle. i love you so damn much, sweetie. ur one of those things that has made my life a little more bearable everyday. i wish you all the best and that eternal happiness that you've always dreamed of. the fairies are with you, always and gravity will never leave you.
. . . living in a dream
9Wednesday, August 9
stress!! is there anyway for this thing to just vanish and never appear in this world again?!?! shoot dudes. i've been up SO late for the last few days just because of projects and other presentations. darn!!! of course. procrastination and tet always go hand in hand. =)
we discussed love a while ago in english. and ms. platon was asking about our insights about that topic. hai. if only i could get the whole period to debate about that sensitive topic. the truth is, we all have our opinions about things, and frankly, we can't blame ourselves for having such opinions. the truth is, we don't go through the same things so more or less, we see things in different perspectives as well. we just have to go through life and learn from our mistakes or the mistakes of others.
anyway, love huh? the thing is, love is supposed to be real but reality makes it just a legend. i believe in a lot of things when it comes to love. especially when it comes to the part when u fall out of it. =) but honestly, love will always be great. all i could say is that love will always be worth fighting for.
1. love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.
- now tell me i'm wrong about this and the whole world will proclaim war. haha. but frankly, it's the only thing that justifies the thing we so preciously stick upon oursleves - love.
2. when ur in love, you don't wanna sleep anymore coz reality is finally better than ur dreams
- SELF EXPLANATORY NA TOH MGA INENG!
9Tuesday, August 1
oh no! it's been a month since my last post. haha. nothing that interesting has happened eversince. i'm just sad and at wits end most of the time. but slowly, everyhting is going back to normal. slowly but surely. honestly, i'm happy seeing some progress every now and then. even if it still hurts when people begin to talk about it. i just can't believe how many people were caught up in this. even those that shouldn't be in this predicament crashed into it without them even knowing about it. but fortunately, there are still some people left that understand me. and that's all that matters. guys, kilala nio kung cno keo. SOBRANG SALAMAT!
9Saturday, June 24
~ shitty shitty day.
ala aqng ma-say sa day na toh. badtrip na nga aq dahil sa problema q, tas nbngga pa kme habang coding un sasakyan! amp nmn dba?! sobrang thank you Lord na buhay pa kme at ndi ganong katindi un damage sa car.
it's now that i can really say that u don't know what u have until it's taken away from u. i saw my life pass me by a while ago. and even if i'm a bit suicidal, i can really say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. i don't wanna waste it, i wanna live it. u just can't take anything for granted. =)
~ biglaang eastwood?!?!
tama ba nmn un?!?! biglaan nlng mgyayaya ng eastwood?! haha. eto nmn aqng gaga. sumama. haha.
i'm supposed to keep my distance, right? but circumstances being what they are. hai. it's just fucking hard. especially if ur that attached to them already. it's a saturday night and i'm stuck at home. would u believe that?!? my freedom is REALLY TRAPPED now. i'm supposed to be counting the hours until i can go out. but no. here i am. facing the "coincidence" of my "actions".
the truth is. i'll really miss em. all of em. friends, ndi kc ganong kadali magbingibingihan eh. kahit na gsto qng gawin un. mahirap tlga eh. lalo na kung un un lagi mong naririnig. hallo?!?! SOBRANG HIRAP NON FRIENDS. but here's the thing. everybody's telling me to pay em no mind at all. should i or should i not?! friends, ang hirap nmn kc dba?!
... how am i supposed to feel about the thing i've done?
9Tuesday, June 20
it's now that i know that ur so called "friends" can actually turn their backs on u.
i wanted this friendship to blossom, but then again, i think it's impossible now. i'm supposed to be happy when i have my midnight escapades. but no. i don't think id go to midnight escapades anymore. even if i want them so badly. what people don't know is that they're my only escape from this troublesome world. from my shitty family.
the truth is, i'm weak. that's why i need to feel happy every now and then. gravity understands that. and some people do. but then again, there are just some people who don't. and because of this "lack of truth/reason" they formulate judgments. i don't hold a grudge against u guys, i actually thank u. but u just don't understand.
i thought it was a good thing that i was exposing myself to the world i once thought didn't exist. but i guess im wrong once again. i was actually proud that i was trusting people again. but as they say, u can never please everyone. it just hurts to think that i really wanted this friendship to prosper into something extravagant. but i think that will never happen. if this is what u guys want, im keeping my distance.
what i don't get is the way people put malice into something and those involved really get affected. really really affected. can't this world just be plain old simple?! where people can just have fun and don't have to worry about anyone talking behind their backs?!? coz there are some people who just wanna have fun, u know? but the statements are slowly depriving them of this happiness that they consider the only blessing they have.
this is the exact reason why i love my midnight escapades. i just wanna remove myself from pain and judgments. but it's taking the other way around. people are pulling me closer to pain and judgments. fine. i might be way too loose for myself, but y'all just don't get why. im scared of the truth. that's why i adore sneaking out and having fun. i wanna set myself free from everything. but i guess, that will never happen now.
i told myself before that "i could trust people who im with", then it changed into "i shouldn't trust people coz they'll hurt me", but then it returned to "i could trust people who understand me and i shouldn't give a damn about those around and what they say", but it's now that it gets to the worst so far, "i won't trust anyone anymore coz when i trust someone, it's the others' judgments i have to swallow".
i get it.
I WILL RUN AWAY FROM THE PLACE I ONCE CONSIDERED PARADISE INTO A PLACE OF NEW ENDINGS.
this gave me a new perspective on things. now i actually have doubt in everyone. im back to zero. the most dreadful place that i have ever been to. i won't trust people anymore. even those that ive entrusted my whole life to. even my parents. i'll let all the memories of everything i've done go away just like that. this is the last i'll see of them. i am back to zero.
so much for even wanting to be strong.
... here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears u knew ud cry, here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come to soon