mE vS. tHe WoRlD

2006-10-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

ugh. i can't believe that it has been more than a month since my last post. haha. anyways, i really don't have much to talk about besides the revelation of how much of a war freak i've became over the years. i really don't ask myself why because i already know the reason. i guess i've always been fighting, fighting and fighting for others and for myself. so i guess that's where it comes from.

ugh. my phone's busted and mom won't buy me a new one. i can't live without a phone! can't she see that?!

i don't like the idea of still falling for him but the truth is, i still am falling for him. i guess i can't let him go just yet. why? i guess i haven't cried enough for him. i still don't have closure. why? i think it's because i haven't gathered up the courage to finally tell him what i truly feel. i guess i just fell in love because i liked the ride but it's time to get off now, but the seatbelt won't let me. grr. or maybe i just glued myself to the seat. i really don't know.

i really don't choose to be confused most of the time, but i just am confused. i just put myself into situations of which at some point, seem to control me instead of me controlling it. i must admit, watching the view from a far and seeing the pieces fall into perspective is quite relaxing but it's a hell of a lot better if u grab the situation. irgh.

. . . get me off of this roller coaster ride

2006-09-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

remember the entry "i feel like she's losing her grip..." well, it happened. she lost her grip and i'm finding myself trying so hard to pick up the pieces of something i thought was the most real thing i ever had, ~~gravity.~~ well, not exactly gravity. but bebe. it's hard to walk down that hall knowing that i'm missing a very important part of me. it's hard to tell myself that even if most of the people know that i'm innocent and some know the terrifying truth already, we're still not in good terms. now, i hear that she's going to drop out after the 2nd quarter. gaud. how i wish i could talk to her and help her out with what she's going through. and maybe, just maybe, be able to put some closure on this shit. seriously, i want things to go back to what they were before. but i guess that's another one of my 'idealistic dreams'.

speaking of dreams. my wonderwall, panji, told me something so against my belief when it comes to dreams. he told me. "good night. sweet dreams and may they come true". it's just so weird that my wonderwall told me that when he know that i believe that dreams are made for sleeping. and just for that. something to guide u whenever reality is getting way out of hand. dreams are important. ~~they're the reality we want and the reality we can't have.~~ [tet heaves a heavy sigh]

2006-08-20T21:34:00.001-07:00

gaud. i am still hung up with the fact that saturday night and sunday morning was such a blast that i can't even find the right word to say. i mean, it was pure bliss. it was something that i will never, and i mean never forget.

i can't believe that it took me this long to actually open my eyes to the fact that no matter what happens, i've got 'the guys' to catch me. aagghh! words can never express my gratitude to the bf bois. super duper mahal q clang lahat. [mahal as in platonic love ah!]

i don't want to talk about the whole party coz it would be such a long entry at malamang qng mahaba un entry, kahit aq, tatamarin magbasa. i'll just tell u guys the highlights of the party from my point of view.

the car ride going there and going to eastwood was so fun. i mean, i actually had fun sa car plng. o dba? edi ang saya! =) haha. the laughs and the inisan. wahoo!

i was seated in between archie and kev. sobrang protectors. =) thanks, guys.

the 'foam technique' that cocoy started. oh yeah! that was fun. un un ngstart nun paginom ng straight. wah! haha.

the balcony view. my one step closer to the edge. oh yes. that was my senti spot. andami qng hinatak don. haha. mei nanyare din dun na sobrang nagising aq na 'friends q nga ang bf bois'. hai. sobrang salamat mga chong.

~> woah. thoughts galore sa balcony. word of the day namen ni raev 'inevitable'. ton : "don't english me, i panic!" [lol] haha. shitty. party na nga ngppksenti aq. tas umiyak pa aq. dun q naprove na anjan tlga cla para sakin. cinonfirm lng nila sa actions and words nila. i was so comforted by the words na "andto lng lagi kami sa likod mo", "one of the bois ka na", "malamang ikaw un aalagaan namen kc ikaw un nagiisang babae eh", "baby ka nmen". woah! sobrang salamat tlga.

~> nun pgblik nmen from my crying moment. na "t.h" ni majic qng bakit aq umiyak. inaaning q pa nga xa na ndi tama un t.h nia. but no! sobrang tama. uh oh. ang galing mo, majic! =)

sobrang sulit samen ni patrick, aaron at ditz un coffee vendo dun. haha.

a few hours after the balcony moment, countdown na sa birthday ni kev. =) HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEV! halabshu, chong.

when it was 1 na. we went to eastwood na. nauna kami nila mimo, patrick, aiah at ton bumaba. eh mejo nainip ata cla aiah kaia sinundo nmen ni ton at ni pat un mga nasa taas. pagdating nmen sa floor na un, cla pla un ngiintay nun elevator. haha. eh kc mei girl na nksbay nmen sa elevator na sa 20th floor pa bababa, so dumaan munang 20th floor bago bumaba ulet. haha. eh dumaan un elevator dun sa same floor, so c majic at c arby lumabas ng sumasayaw pa tas pumasok cla ulet ng elevator kc nga dba mali un floor. [lol]

karaoke sa eastwood. haha. ang saya2. ditz! my way! haha. super saya. =)

kev, aiah, mimo, cocoy, archie, aaron, patrick, kim, dtiz, ton, mike, raev, vinci, arby, tan, majic and tinio. sobrang thanks. mahal na mahal q keong lahat. =)

thanks for being my escape.

2006-08-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

yes. 1 quarter down and 3 to go until fourth year! 9 down and 7 more to go until college. yes! success! we're still alive. =) we survived the first quarter of what people continually tell us is the 'most dreaded year'. aius lng kahit mei mga eyebags tau! buhay pa nmn tau eh. dba? =)

i feel as if i'm losing my grip. she's letting go bit by bit. why? honestly, i don't know. and some part of me just wants to leave it alone coz time will inevitably tell her to get over it. i mean, it's not my fault she's going through this. but eventhough she's going through this big of a shit, i'm still there for her, supporting her all the way. =)

hai. the deep thoughts, emo-ness, reflection and intellectualizing things will never seize to conquer my very existence. honestly, i'm really, and i mean really confused right now. honestly, i'm not ready for a relationship right now. i'm more comfortable with being 'just friends' or 'friends with benefits'. get? i mean. being commited 100% isn't really on my list of priorities right now. i'm fine with the idea of things and flings. =) honestly, i'd prefer that than being in a relationship as of the moment. =)

okay, don't go thinking that 'oh, she's been too hurt to even care for what she truly feels' or 'she's so scared of her feelings' or worse ' she's so emotionally unstable'. honey, u don't know me aryt? u don't know what i've been through. u don't know how many devastating falls i had to conquer just to be able to stand up tall right now. so don't u dare judge me. i'm fucking tired of that shit already. i've had my fair share already, and honestly, i've had enough of that.

anyway, back to the real topic. right now, i have feelings for someone but it's slowly fading. and yet there's still an unspoken spark that i refuse to kindle just for the sake of our friendship. but the thing is, i wanna tell him out loud what i really feel. honestly, i can't seem to be quiet about my feelings toward people. especially to those i love. may it be platonic or the unconditional kind of love. i just can't stand the fact that there were certain words left unsaid. but honestly, i'm happy that we're still keeping in touch. i'm rather happy this way. i guess i just have to keep it in the inside for now. after all, the feeling isn't mutual. [sigh]

yes! my beloved midnight escapades are back! yes! this is gonna be fun! =)

. . . i want you to know this, i love you.

2006-08-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

don't wake me up from the dream that i'm living in. it would be far more better for me to stay here and be with u than to wake up to the reality that it will never, and i mean never, come true.

we had our comm. ex number 3 [?!] a while ago. "when i fall in love, there would be nothing better" hai. [sighs] i just poured my heart into that piece. the funny thing is. i'm SO not contented with what i wrote. i tried my best to scan my brain for the "perfect" words to state my insights so that people could more or less understand. but the more i tried, the more lost i became. argh! basta. "when i fall in love, there would be nothing better." [PROMISE]

2006-08-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLE!!!

I LOVE YOU. SO DAMN MUCH.

wahoo. 16 hours of sleep is heaven! i'm telling you. they say that it's bad to oversleep and i say "the heck with you!". try not sleeping well for 5 days and not having a second of sleep for 1 day and then tell me that 16 hours is OVERSLEEPING already. i'll chop your head off, dude.

anyway, i wanna go out tonight, but i have to study for the exams. darn. i just can't believe that what i have done for the past few months can't be changed now. whatever i have now is all that i can work with. argh. leche! ONE MORE QUIZ SA GEOM PLEASE! irgh. is this it? the first quarter is almost over and i'm feeling so darn stressed! tama ba talaga toh?! it just can't be. if this is JUST the first quarter and i felt like giving up already, what more for the next 3 quarters? aahh. but when i think about it, i gave myself the stress. and i didn't sleep well for the last few days coz i had to help my friends out. it's stress for the better. =)

i'm getting better and better by the minute. at least the exams are all that's left. even if the schedule for the exams are hell, KAYA NATIN TOH! we can never give up! i'm telling you. if it has to lead with big eyebags and the like, then it's okay. at least we're gonna get good grades. haha. this is the deciding year, dudes. we have to make the most out of it. =)

elle. i love you so damn much, sweetie. ur one of those things that has made my life a little more bearable everyday. i wish you all the best and that eternal happiness that you've always dreamed of. the fairies are with you, always and gravity will never leave you.

. . . living in a dream

2006-08-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stress!! is there anyway for this thing to just vanish and never appear in this world again?!?! shoot dudes. i've been up SO late for the last few days just because of projects and other presentations. darn!!! of course. procrastination and tet always go hand in hand. =)

we discussed love a while ago in english. and ms. platon was asking about our insights about that topic. hai. if only i could get the whole period to debate about that sensitive topic. the truth is, we all have our opinions about things, and frankly, we can't blame ourselves for having such opinions. the truth is, we don't go through the same things so more or less, we see things in different perspectives as well. we just have to go through life and learn from our mistakes or the mistakes of others.

anyway, love huh? the thing is, love is supposed to be real but reality makes it just a legend. i believe in a lot of things when it comes to love. especially when it comes to the part when u fall out of it. =) but honestly, love will always be great. all i could say is that love will always be worth fighting for.

1. love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

- now tell me i'm wrong about this and the whole world will proclaim war. haha. but frankly, it's the only thing that justifies the thing we so preciously stick upon oursleves - love.

2. when ur in love, you don't wanna sleep anymore coz reality is finally better than ur dreams

- SELF EXPLANATORY NA TOH MGA INENG!

2006-08-01T05:15:00.000-07:00

oh no! it's been a month since my last post. haha. nothing that interesting has happened eversince. i'm just sad and at wits end most of the time. but slowly, everyhting is going back to normal. slowly but surely. honestly, i'm happy seeing some progress every now and then. even if it still hurts when people begin to talk about it. i just can't believe how many people were caught up in this. even those that shouldn't be in this predicament crashed into it without them even knowing about it. but fortunately, there are still some people left that understand me. and that's all that matters. guys, kilala nio kung cno keo. SOBRANG SALAMAT!

2006-06-24T18:14:00.000-07:00

062306

~ shitty shitty day.

ala aqng ma-say sa day na toh. badtrip na nga aq dahil sa problema q, tas nbngga pa kme habang coding un sasakyan! amp nmn dba?! sobrang thank you Lord na buhay pa kme at ndi ganong katindi un damage sa car.

it's now that i can really say that u don't know what u have until it's taken away from u. i saw my life pass me by a while ago. and even if i'm a bit suicidal, i can really say that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. i don't wanna waste it, i wanna live it. u just can't take anything for granted. =)

062406

~ biglaang eastwood?!?!

tama ba nmn un?!?! biglaan nlng mgyayaya ng eastwood?! haha. eto nmn aqng gaga. sumama. haha.

i'm supposed to keep my distance, right? but circumstances being what they are. hai. it's just fucking hard. especially if ur that attached to them already. it's a saturday night and i'm stuck at home. would u believe that?!? my freedom is REALLY TRAPPED now. i'm supposed to be counting the hours until i can go out. but no. here i am. facing the "coincidence" of my "actions".

the truth is. i'll really miss em. all of em. friends, ndi kc ganong kadali magbingibingihan eh. kahit na gsto qng gawin un. mahirap tlga eh. lalo na kung un un lagi mong naririnig. hallo?!?! SOBRANG HIRAP NON FRIENDS. but here's the thing. everybody's telling me to pay em no mind at all. should i or should i not?! friends, ang hirap nmn kc dba?!

... how am i supposed to feel about the thing i've done?

2006-06-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

it's now that i know that ur so called "friends" can actually turn their backs on u.

i wanted this friendship to blossom, but then again, i think it's impossible now. i'm supposed to be happy when i have my midnight escapades. but no. i don't think id go to midnight escapades anymore. even if i want them so badly. what people don't know is that they're my only escape from this troublesome world. from my shitty family.

the truth is, i'm weak. that's why i need to feel happy every now and then. gravity understands that. and some people do. but then again, there are just some people who don't. and because of this "lack of truth/reason" they formulate judgments. i don't hold a grudge against u guys, i actually thank u. but u just don't understand.

i thought it was a good thing that i was exposing myself to the world i once thought didn't exist. but i guess im wrong once again. i was actually proud that i was trusting people again. but as they say, u can never please everyone. it just hurts to think that i really wanted this friendship to prosper into something extravagant. but i think that will never happen. if this is what u guys want, im keeping my distance.

what i don't get is the way people put malice into something and those involved really get affected. really really affected. can't this world just be plain old simple?! where people can just have fun and don't have to worry about anyone talking behind their backs?!? coz there are some people who just wanna have fun, u know? but the statements are slowly depriving them of this happiness that they consider the only blessing they have.

this is the exact reason why i love my midnight escapades. i just wanna remove myself from pain and judgments. but it's taking the other way around. people are pulling me closer to pain and judgments. fine. i might be way too loose for myself, but y'all just don't get why. im scared of the truth. that's why i adore sneaking out and having fun. i wanna set myself free from everything. but i guess, that will never happen now.

i told myself before that "i could trust people who im with", then it changed into "i shouldn't trust people coz they'll hurt me", but then it returned to "i could trust people who understand me and i shouldn't give a damn about those around and what they say", but it's now that it gets to the worst so far, "i won't trust anyone anymore coz when i trust someone, it's the others' judgments i have to swallow".

i get it.

I WILL RUN AWAY FROM THE PLACE I ONCE CONSIDERED PARADISE INTO A PLACE OF NEW ENDINGS.

this gave me a new perspective on things. now i actually have doubt in everyone. im back to zero. the most dreadful place that i have ever been to. i won't trust people anymore. even those that ive entrusted my whole life to. even my parents. i'll let all the memories of everything i've done go away just like that. this is the last i'll see of them. i am back to zero.

so much for even wanting to be strong.

... here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears u knew ud cry, here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come to soon

2006-06-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MS. PLATON!

aww. miss. happy happy birthday. ur the best. really. =) ur someone worth remembering. =)

this day, well, it was alright, i think. well, first and foremost. i really don't know if i should be in flames right now coz im really pissed. as in PISSED tlga aq. and when everything is just stacking up and just creating a huge thing, it's in my attitude to just express it but not to let it go. well, let's just say that i have problems in letting something that caused me so much emotions, may they be positive or negative, to let it go in a snap.

eventually, this anger that is within me was released. oh no. un mukha nia. nakakaawa. sobra. 1 time lng aq nkpgmura kc parang aq "shet. papaiyakin q ba talaga toh sa harap ng madaming tao?! wag na, tet. MAAWA KA!". would u believe na mei awa pa pla na natitira sakin?!?! even i couldn't believe it. =)

pare, alang personalan. ikaw kasi un nagumpisa eh. alam q tlga ngdie - down na toh eh. but no. binalik nio pa. eh keo nga un ngsimula nito tas kame un sisisihin nio?!?! what the fuck dba?!?! so if i were you, i'd just keep my mouth shut from now on or suffer the consequences.

no one except my sister has seen me MAD. and she was in the hospital for 3 days just because of what i did to her. ask urself. do u want that to happen to u? if yes, madali lng nmn aqng kausap eh. when it's on, it's on. if no, tumahimik na keo bago aq gumawa ng skandalo.

and for ur information, ndi kita inaway, CNGOT LNG NMEN UN LECHENG TANONG MO!

... i found my escape

2006-06-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

say good bye to softball, tet.

it's true. my chances of passing the softball varsity tryouts are pretty slim. REALLY SLIM! grr. nakakaiyak. sobra. MAHAL NA MAHAL Q POH ANG SOFTBALL, NDI PWEDENG MAWALA UN SAKIN!

middle of the night to the break of dawn escapades.

i'm becoming very fond of these so-called "escapades". not only am i enjoying my "trapped freedom" but at the same time, i'm gaining friends and patching up with persons i haven't talked to in quite a while. it's just so fun to have these kinds of people around u. they're people that would really be willing to fight for u without a doubt. i really2 wanna thank every single person that has been with me in my escapades.

tan, archie, kev, jonnel, mike, arby, majic, cocoy and a lot more. really, THANKS A LOT.

last night was so cool. or should i say "kewl". even if we were only 5, we still managed to have a lot of laughs. it's something to remember. something to actually be happy about. =D

GRAVITY!

it's when ur down that u feel the ones that really love u.

damn. bebe and elle, i love you guys so much. even more than words can say. no guy or no one will ever stand between the 3 of us. u guys are already a part of me and im really thankful for that. ur the best. really. even if a lot think that we're the rebels, which maybe we are (who knows dba?! haha) we've been around for one another ever since this bond was created. and yes, we catch each other's falls, we give advices and yes, we make mistakes but gravity will never die. =)

... ur always in my heart

2006-06-13T20:07:00.000-07:00

looking ahead to the first time that we could drive out on our own. to speed away.

driving is therapy. even if u get caught by someone. it's totally therapeutic. i drove today. not just drove like 40 kph speed. but honey, i was doing 80 in bf. i was with gravity but surprisingly, i was with my sister as well. could this be the start of a new and better relationship with tin? i SO wish it is. =)

back to driving. nothing is more relaxing to having the wheel and going wherever, whenver u wanna go. it's total heaven. it's a feeling that u can explain but u want the perfect words to come out but they just won't. if i had to actually put it in to words. id probably say.

it's my escape to the unruly feeling of reality.

im looking forward to nights of despair wherein i could drive while crying my heart out. i know. it's a one way ticket to death and the tragic end of my tragedy. but once u hop in the driver's seat, u just wanna go wherever the road takes u. it's a total chance to enjoy ur freedom and actually having enough time to think about whether to stop, go on or take a turn in the road of our lives.

is he actually reaching out? on OUR day?

i might be freaking out here. but really. is he reaching out on the 13th? or is it just pure coincidence? i wish it is. frankly, i shouldn't give a damn about this. coz he's happy and i'm happy as well. he's got someone new and im very happy with my single life. so i really don't think that giving closure without the proper apology is the right "move" to come from the one who got mad at me for god knows what reason. and honestly, i've already let him go. this shouldn't be affecting me this much. but why does it still have a HUGE impact on me?!?

maybe because there is still no closure between the both of us even if it has already been 2 months in the making. so why don't i just talk to him? haha. no way. i will never talk to that loser exceptif he starts the conversation with the word "SORRY!". if he chooses his pride. then so be it. i don't wanna waste any more time on him or on this problem that should've ended ages ago.

2006-05-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

friends, i am proud to say that i have grown into someone that i have no regrets of being. yes, the tragedy and hurt has helped me a lot. life being twisted and cruel has made me know the inner depths of my soul, the extremes of my feelings and the limits of my heart.

i have grown into ...
someone that can handle any and every shit that is given to her.
someone who can cope up even if she's way behind.
someone who still keeps on standing up after every devastating fall.
someone who was trapped but now is free to wander around and restore color into a colorless world.
someone who thinks about anything and everything.
someone who's feelings were hidden but now are released.
someone who's been hurt and won't let anyone hurt her or the one she loves again.
someone who will challenge every challenge and not let the challenge defeat her and her purpose.
someone who will always be there for her friends. [literally]
someone who needs a mood ring.

but most importantly.

I AM SOMEONE NAMED TET.

now i truly know the real meaning of the saying "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". yes, this is a true mix of irony. and so is this one -> hurt is strength. figure it out and tell me what u think about it. but let me explain it.

HURT IS STRENGTH

hurt makes u cry and feel all hopeless. we all know that. but when u get passed that hurt, u become stronger and u even want to thank those who hurt u because they were the reason why u got that strong.

so for those of u who don't wanna get hurt and just wanna play by all the rules, read this:

life is really about taking all the chances u can get. really! u try different things to actually figure out who u are. that's why u should be exposed to things. even those u don't want to know. they make u know the real you. take it from someone who took all the risks and got hurt but eventually got stronger. and hey, what's the difference of a life without risks and a blank palette? u gotta put some color into ur life. just as painters paint their palettes, u gotta put more color into ur life as well.

~ happy. VERY happy.

2006-05-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

i absolutely adore this new layout. haha. hate me? well just piss off. yo! this is me. and if u don't like me, the hell i care about it. as long as im happy doing what im doing and being me, im fine. at least i know who i am. im not some kid trying to be someone their not.

haha. whew! im tired. im tired of travelling by land. i wanna go back to my paradise up there. i wanna go back to the heavens and start differentiating the problems from the helps. i wanna think and think about what life has offered me and what it has to offer me even more. =)

forget what i wrote about the previous entry. truth is. im yearning to go back. i want to go back. i wanna see the people there. i wanna feel the friendship that i haven't felt for quite some time now. i miss gravity.

this might be confusing. but if there was a U.S.A in the Philippines, id live there and take everyone i love with me.

it's now that i've realized how much every single person means to me. and how strong i truly am. im not making this as another tet drama, but i am gonna make it up to everyone. im gonna make them feel just how much better i fell when im with them by repaying it to them.

wish me luck eh?

2006-05-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's up with me. i miss everyone in the philippines but i just don't wanna go home. i really don't know why. maybe it's because of the "problemless" life i have here. i mean, fine, if i were to live here. there maybe some problems but at least they're not the problems i have/had while i was still in the philippines.

but i can't stand not seeing everyone i've grown accustomed to seeing everyday.

maybe this is just drama. fine then. but i just want an escape. a permanent escape that would open to me the doors of the life i have always wanted. =)

sometimes i just don't know what i want or the gravity of this want. but when i get this want. i learn how to stand up for this thing. and in the end. i really do get what i want. STRENGTH and IRONY.

planerides have making me thinking. there is paradise after all. a paradise that takes a lot of courage to go to. planes are the boundary between reality and paradise. when ur in reality, u see paradise. and when ur in paradise, u see reality. i guess things just can't live without its counterpart. u don't know love if uv never been hurt. there is no life if there is no death. do u get me?

there is no home if there is no other places to go. but when u think about it. the counterparts have the same thing u find in the original thing. this is what i want. IRONY.

let's just see if i will still go home!

=)

2006-05-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

Am I supposed to be happy? With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price. Am I supposed to be happy? With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

- cat and mouse by the red jumpsuit apparatus (nice song)

think about it y'all. all of us just wants to be happy and lead a happy life and the like but everything comes with a price. and then people tend to give up coz they can't pay the price. but if u pay the price it'll come back to you in double or better, even triple! and that's nice. haha.

i really want to be one of those people who want to reach their goal and have reached it amidst everything and everyone that was against them. haha. but hei. can everyone reach their dream? i doubt it. this world requires that someone win and someone lose. unfair? no.

think about it.

2006-05-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how easily i got adjusted to the time difference of texas and the philippines. my parents and my sister just can't seem to adjust and yet here i am. living with the american time. haha. weird huh?

the only thing that sucks is not being able to talk to the people in the philippines! grr. it sucks. BIGTIME! i go online at around 4pm here and it's 5am there. so everyone's asleep by then. irgh. it sucks. haha.

since i have absolutely nothing to do. im forced to surf the net and actually read friendster profiles. and well i just started thinking. why do people still have time for their oh-so good looking friendster profiles and blogs but yet so little time for GOD.

surprise surprise! an entry dedicated to Him. well, i think it's about time i did this. haha. i think ur surprised because many think im an atheist. well honey, im not! im proud to say that i have found the hidden wonders through this friendship with Him.

anyways. back to the thought. i mean, we spend all our time focusing on material stuff and the like but never have time to actually sit down and reflect about what He's telling us.

deny it all u want, but it's true. the only time we come back to Him is when we need something. and then when we get what we want, we just leave Him alone and he still chases after us.

he doesn't deserve to chase us. we should be the one going to Him! not Him going to us!

just a thought ladies and gentlemen. =)

2006-05-13T23:52:00.000-07:00

hei there. haha.

isn't it so amazing to finally be free from all the drama? well, i don't know for you but it is way great! super duper! haha. well, i guess i can't blame myself for holding on to nothing for so long but at least it's over now. well, it should've been over ages ago. but hei, slowly but surely, right?

i had this major conversation with panji a while ago. and well, let's just say that panji is the shoulder that i could cry on. know why? he tells me straight out what he thinks about what's happening to me. and well, he just doesn't get why im leading myself to irony when i want to escape from drama. and hei, i don't either. but im happy this way. i want the drama but i hate it as well. my life is just full of irony and well, it works for me.

panji told me earlier "ur strong, u just have to know how to use the strength" and well, that made me think about so many things. haha. tangina. kahit ba nmn sa states napapaisip aq! what is this? oh come on, tet. give it a break.

well, i guess i just can't take thinking out of my system. coz tet wouldn't be tet without all the deep thoughts and everything. haha

~ later

2006-05-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

ive finally had enough of drama!

~ face down in the dirt she says this doesn't hurt she says ive finally had enough! ~

2006-05-13T00:14:00.000-07:00

hei there. well, guess where i am at the moment. haha. texas! haha. we just got here though. and even if im suffering from jetlag, im just hooked to blogging. haha.

JETLAG

wah! an 18 hour air journey + 8 hours of waiting time! pota. nkklche. haha. more than 24 hours un mehn. haha. tas eto pa. ang may 12 q. dalawa. or should i say. it was a 48 hour long day. haha. shit. ang saya magpakasenti sa loob ng eroplano. amp!

haha. u know what, i think it's quite therapeutic to the broken soul. haha. it might sound weird right now, but im telling you. it is. haha. sobra.

anyways, i'll hit u guys back when i have the time

haha. hello, healing. haha

2006-05-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

status : 65% healed 35% not

i guess im not that healed yet. pain just doesn't go away that quick. especially in my case. but twisted as it may seem. im over him and im over us. but im not over why and how we broke up. guess that's the piece of the puzzle that i just can't find.

ive accepted that we're friends. yes, with all my heart. but it just hurts to finally realize that he introduced me to my weakness. the weakness that ive been trying to escape from and avoid all these years. PAIN!

not physical pain. but deep deep deep emotional pain. the pain that u just can't erase whatever u do. it's the one that goes to depths of ur soul and leaves a scar on ur heart.

but what the hei. i have a new "game plan" when it comes to being happy. wanna know what it is? IGNORE THINGS! yes. ignore them. trust me. u won't get hurt. i promise u. i know, u myt be thinking "she's not gonna find real happiness there!" but i trust God to make it all better. =)

2006-05-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

to love and to win is the best thing but to love and to lose is the next best thing.

i know im a perfectionist. but right now, im settling for the next best thing. coz i don't wanna have the best thing with the wrong one. id rather be single than to continue being dumb for a guy who doesn't even deserve me or anything from me.

im taking my time. i wanna think and keep on thinking about .. well, im not sure. but i just wanna go soul searching and figure out the meanings of everything that has been happening to me ever since i was a little girl.

there's just too much in store for me that i don't wanna stop loving life just because of the problems that i've encountered and those that im gonna go through.

im a girl who speaks whatever is in my mind and i don't give a shit about people judging me when they don't really know who i am. u can't judge someone by stories made by other people or through what she's doing today.

don't judge my tomorrow on how i act today.

yes. i may be one of the rebels. the most rebellious one. fine. the hell i care. i just want u guys to know that im doing this just to get the best of different worlds. coz i don't want to live in curiosity and regret for not doing things that could've open a whole new world to me. i want variety in my life. =)

people go through shit. but i wanna go through SHIT! get? i wanna know my limits and my strengths. coz frankly, i learn a lot through these kinds of experiences. and i just can't stop learning things about myself. =)

2006-05-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

SUBIC WAS FUN!

would u believe that i just said that?!? haha. well, subic was really really fun. =) eh biglaang mei concert for free eh. now tell me that's not fun. haha.

ang hot ni dj mike. =) *dreams that dj mike is beatbox-ing for me* haha. yeah, as if that'll ever happen. haha.

i got wasted that night. the lights weren't enough to illuminate the feelings that were bit by bit gathering up inside of me. somehow, i felt like giving up, not on love, but on life itself. but then again, the chig in my hand hit a spark that struck me.

life is like a cigarette. many don't like it. but somehow, addiction is a part of it.

i have finally woken up from the nightmare that has been haunting me for more than a month. from now on, he's just a friend. nothing more. nothing less. but he's mad at me for god knows what reason and frankly, i don't give a damn. bhla na xa.

ive finally let go. im moving on. i should've done this a long time ago. i was waiting for him before, but im just tired of waiting for nothing and there's nothing left to do but to stop this stupidity.

ive finally open my eyes and now i see how strong i am. im gonna live my life and hopefully really be friends with him. haha. as if that'll ever happen. haha.

wah. ive got less than 2 weeks left in the philippines. wah. haha.

happy. tet is happy.

2006-04-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

duckwalk is hell.

if u guys could just imagine having to do the "duck walk" for 3 sets and have 3 sets of "squats" afterwards ud tell me that u just had a glimpse of hell. it's like torture! sobrang torture!

it's the 27th today. im officially a month single. but still. im falling deeper and deeper every second that we're away. and what sucks all the more is that i just can't move on. i mean, embracing being single is a good thing, but letting go of everything that made u happy isn't easy, let me tell u that.

ignore him for let's say a month or so. let's see what comes out of it. i wanna give "reverse psychology" a shot. just for fun. coz if im gonna go down the path of which i make him feel what i feel for him, it's gonna lead to no where. let's go down the alternate path. i wanna risk this. i NEED to risk this.

i want him to notice a lot of things. i want him to feel that im losing grip for him to finally wake up to reality that he needs to hold on. hold on to me and what we had. i want him to feel as if he's nothing to me so that ill mean something to him.

let's see how irony could work it's magic on this. but even if i play on this side of the field, my feelings for him will still be there. =)

... please hold on

2006-04-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

can a single spark light the same flame?

i need to find out the answer to this. quick. coz frankly, i wanna set myself free. im tired of waiting for just possibilities and for fantasies to finally come true. i wanna know the truth. i wanna set things straight, once and for all. coz if we're both holding on to nothing. there still might be something there. but if im the only one holding on, i think it's best to just let go.

it's when u hurt the worst that u love the most

it's true. when a relationship is on the brink, the 2 concerned suddenly have this urge to patch things up and figure things out. and more often than not, it all works out just fine.

have u ever had the experience that u feel ur already over something like ur ready for anything again and that ul overcome anything that goes in ur way but still have sleepless nights? ur over it but then there are nights that seem too long and that ur just gonna break down any second from now. werid, eh? but still, it's a part of loving someone. and loving someone isn't easy. take it from me.

it's silly that i define love as giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to. and when he destroys u, u still want him to be the one who fixes u. coz this is exactly what im going through right now. i loved and trusted him and then he destroyed me but still i yearn for him to fix me. coz i know that he's the only one that can fix this predicament we're having.

2006-04-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes u have to let go just to find out if it's still worth holding on to

i have known this line for like a good 3 ++ yrs or so and i have been moved to do crazy things just because of this line. but it always proved to be right. the purpose of letting go is to find something possibly worth holding on to.

there is no such thing as an ending, for it is always a new beginning.

maybe it's time for me to really let go. to pay him no "special attention" whatsoever. i think he's becoming so used to me always being there for him that he's starting to think that im never gonna leave and that he'll always be on my mind no matter what. well, technically, that is true. but that's total abuse. i wanna make him feel that he's losing me.

but the question here is, can i do that? can i risk losing him even more? or shall i wallow forever in this great misery that has been composed because of this never ending feeling i have for him?

i heard this one line in one tree hill that has made me think about a lot.

they say there are 2 tragedies in this world. one is to lose ur heart's desire, and the other one is to gain it. here's my opinion.

people go a long way just to finally be happy and more often than not, when they finally reach their dreams, it all falls apart and crumble. there is a connection between losing and gaining. though there is a connection, there is also a balance. a balance that sets things straight but still leaves people either hurt or glad.

either way, the feelings are penetrated and felt but somehow vanish. and people are getting back up on their feet and trying again. wishing that this time around would be better. but they don't reach for the same dream, they yearn for a different one. but somehow, they end up being complete and content.

i have come to the conclusion that i fear being content. im afraid to not yearn for perfection and settling for what's around. i know. u might think im crazy or something. but it's true. i don't want what's best. i want the ultimate, the extreme, the most of the mosts.

i guess that right there explains why i yearn to fix broken relationships.

... let go? hold on?

2006-04-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

watching the days burn out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go.

+++ SATURDAY +++

aqchai. haha. we [i and ate sam] were there to support the BF kids team. haha. =) panalo BF. haha. astig. *sings* [we're undefeated, we're undefeated] haha. *laughs so much* haha. but after the game, ian and a player from the opposing team [firenze] got into a fight. haha. it almost became a fist fight. FREAKY. haha. it's good that things were figured out through a good converstaion. haha.

when it was time to go home already, i called up my dad and told him to fetch us already. so he did. ate sam asked me if vinci [tama ba spelling?!?] could hitch with us. so i said yes. i also asked kev, aiah, miguel and pen if they would want to hitch with us. but surprisingly, they declined the offer. and they told me they would just hitch a ride with jenssen [tama ba spelling?!?]. so i let them be. but the weird thing is, when my dad was already in the lobby, i immediately told ate sam coz my dad is very strict when it comes to time. but vinci decided not to hitch anymore. weird. it was all planned out na kc. so i was insisting that he joined us. but he didn't. so we thought that he was gonna go together with aiah and kev. so we let them be. but when we were already along vista real, kev texted ate sam and told her that they didn't hitch with jenssen. WEIRD! i mean, i was already insisting that they come with us, but they didn't. they had to walk nlng. i really wanted aiah and papa to meet. but hei, i guess there's still next time, right? haha.

ate sam and i just chilled in a few places and xempre, sharing. heart to heart talk un pare. ang sarap ng ganong feeling. i really had the chance to know ate sam more and vice versa. haha. i guess this is a start of a beautiful friendship. haha. =) love you ate sam. =)

haha.

+++ SUNDAY +++

wah! i missed the game. leche. haha. we were in galle kc eh. SHOPPING. but i really wanted to see the game. i mean, im really supporting BF. haha. not just because of aiah. but because of tantan, my beloved cousin and other friends. haha. =)

is this something that i should be happy about? or is it just plain old stupidity? am i falling for nothing? or is this the chance that we never had? [need to clear this up] haha. =)

... is it too late?

2006-04-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

i got my hair cut today. argh. im back to my old layered [and i mean layered] self. haha. ul be surprised. no, scratch that. ul be shocked to see what i look like now. i look like a friggin anime character.

i bought 2 dvds today. nanee mcphee and if only. hai. i just finished watching if only and, my god, the essence of the story is just so damn touching and mind-boggling. what if life gave u a second chance to correct all ur mistakes? to love the one u lost? to give up everything just to make ammends? to make the person u love feel what love truly is?

i cried while watching the movie. no surprise right there, huh? but seriously, i cried. it made me think of what i wanna happen. and if i am really ready to give up everything just for him. and hei, i am.

out of boredom, i opened the my friends page on friendster and actually went "profile-hopping", if there is such a term. =) and i saw the profile of my old barkada. NRT. and now it really came to me. even the best things have endings. these endings may be for the better or for the worse. as for us, i think it was for the better. yes, we may have parted our ways but what we shared will always be special.

2006-04-20T06:38:00.000-07:00

3rd day of training and my body is feeling so weak already. ang sakit sa hips mehn. SOBRA. it's like having a part of hell while ur enjoying heaven. i just LOVE playing SOFTBALL. as in sobra. =) it's like therapy. u release all ur anger and problems through ur throws and bats. and after trainings. i usually feel relieved but there's always the physical pain felt. but im kind of getting used to it already. =) hei. this is what i love. and id do whatever it takes for this. =)

+++ LOVE +++

it's amazing [nicola?] how almost everything and anything can mean 2 or more different things to people all at the same time. and usually, the second, third or even the fourth meaning could be the most important, but the hardest to understand and the hardest to do.

take getting hurt for instance. first and foremost. it's a dreaded feeling to most people. but when u think about it. it's not such a bad thing after all. hei, where the hell are u gonna learn to be strong like that? it's just gonna be through getting hurt, right? u just have to keep in mind that whatever doesn't kill you would only make u stronger. =)

it's quite early to tell but i am seeing in me some evident signs of growth. i mean, not physically. ndi na aq nangangarap tumangkad. tanggap q na toh. =) but growth in terms of how i handle problems and how bit by bit, i am slowly admitting to myself what happened and how it happened. how there is no use of dwelling in the past. but having a glance every now and then isn't bad.

if god wants us to be JUST friends, ill accept it. if he has more plans for us, ill face them. it's just a matter of knowing ur place and the timing is quite an important factor. the hell if it's over. it's one of the most wonderful things that ever happened to me and there's no way id want to forget it. i may or may not move on. only god knows. but all i know is this. it was something special. so special that i don't want to throw it away just yet.

with this choice comes a lot, and i mean a lot of consequences. like getting ur heart broken. getting hurt and stuff like that. but ill withstand the pain just for him. just to make ammends.

... holding back the tears

2006-04-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

new layout. same meaning.

hai. im becoming an even bigger mess than before. yeah. you heard [read] that right. i really don't know if im okay already. it's just that his presence is quite a relief but that relief is accompanied by hurt and sorrow. and what a sight that should be.

aiah and julie broke up already. yet, im not happy. maybe because he's still blind. he still can't see what i feel for him. his loss? no. my hurt. and here's the catch. he has a crush on another girl. and that sucks. i mean, i should be happy for him. but he's being happy at my expense. and it's quite difficult to accept. hai. now i even question myself about falling so much for him and me meaning nothing to him. hai.

i guess my happy ending will never come. i just wish it would.

i once believed in fairy tales. i believed that a knight in shining armour would rescue me from my misery and that underneath that armour lies a prince that would proclaim his love for me in front of the whole world. well, that my friends is what we call fiction. it's time to separate fact from fiction ladies and gentlemen.

the truth is. i have been rescued from my misery more than once. but the knights that saved me weren't princes. they were just knights. but as they rescued me, they put their swords into my heart. leaving a permanent mark that hurt me, but made me stronger.

how i long for strength and to be invulnerable. just for once. i wanna feel that i am strong and that i can conquer anything that comes my way. but i guess i have to accept the fact that im only human. and that my feelings are a reason for what i call life.

im holding on to an unbearable pain. and i wanna escape this forsaken land. but i stay. why? my heart tells me so.

... stick around?

2006-04-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

hai. we just got back from Subic and it was hell a lot of fun. yeah! i even got to drive a jetski. yeah mehn. lots and lots of fun. =)

+++ i smiled ... a lot +++

i've reached the point of no return. yeap. no return. i've got only 2 choices.

1. move on and accept the fact that we're just friends

~ i am moving on. bit by bit. but i just can't accept the fact that the one i love is just my friend. nothing put into consideration whatsoever. LOVE TURNED INTO FRIENDSHIP.

OR

2. still keep fighting for him but expecting nothing in return

~ it's hard not to get ur hopes up. but then again, i don't believe in hope. but i still want him back. the relationship that was meant to be will always be a part of our history. but history is past. i wanna make it present.

... you are my only one

2006-04-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

good friday.

i woke up at about 12 pm and they were already having their lunch. so i din't eat anymore. i turned to the tv and saw a scene from the LOTR return of the king. so it was pretty obvious that my dad and tintin were watching it. i decided to wait for them to finish eating and then i joined them. LEGOLAS! =) haha.

there was one particular line in that movie that struck me.

"how can you go on when in your heart you begin to understand that there is no going back?"

it's like saying. how do you take a very big risk without playing safe. well this is life, my dear friends. life's about learning your lesson and making a choice of ruining your life or healing and being a better person. it's also about taking risks whether or not you want to.

every thing needs closure.

im very proud to say that i have learned a lot of things because of this "heart wrenching" experience. but i still think that time has to take its course on me. coz when u give ur all to something and then that something suddenly ended, you tell yourself "where the hell am i going to start?! i've got nothing anymore!" but then reality tells you to move on. how mehn?!?

time and time alone will heal everything. yes, i know. but im tired of waiting for time to fix my broken heart. don't get me wrong. im allowing time to fix it. but im really getting hurt. im just a normal girl and im really vulnerable. i hate admitting that, but i am.

here's what sucks. i just can't stand being friends. i wanna be more than that again. but hei, we both know it can never happen again. pessimistic? no. it's just reality! so i guess i just have to hold on. wait, to what?! to someone who already let go? yes. to someone who's as blind and as stubborn as aiah. yes. to the one i love.

many people have asked me why am i still holding on when reality is in front of me. here's the answers to that.

1. i still love him.
2. i believe in taking chances.
3. i still love him.
4. i don't want to regret not doing what i want to do.
5. i still love him.
6. i know what to do and when to do them.
7. i still love him.
8. i want to take the risk, coz it's for him.
9. i still love him.
10. WE deserve another chance.

+++ did i mention that i still love him? +++

friends, it's so not dumb for fighting for the one you love. people just don't understand that ur doing this because this is where ur gonna be happy. follow your heart, but be guided by ur brain. love feels like heaven but hurts like hell.

well, maybe that is love. a blend of irony and reality. a combination of dreams, wishes and the truth. a wonderful thing that leads to even more wonderful things. don't get me wrong. im not saying that getting hurt is a wonderful thing. but it's a stepping stone to a stronger you.

so to those people who are afraid of getting hurt, ur missing out on a lot. coz ur tears, feelings of anguish make you stronger and develop the strength of which u only get from this experience.

+++ pat on the back to those who got hurt and are now stronger than ever before +++

i really haven't moved on but i've realized some things. i will never lose him. coz we're friends. but i still love him. but, if this is how our story has to be. then we just have to accept it. =) [waiting for time]

how do you face the end of something that was true?

the hottest love has the coldest endings.

... help me, please?

2006-04-13T01:01:00.000-07:00

things aren't getting any easier.

i thought i was already okay. but no. truth hurts. im falling for him every single day. what hurts even more is that he's falling for her, not for me. well, i guess this is how my story has to be.

the thing is. i don't wanna stop falling for him. i'm rather happy that i'm the one getting hurt, and not him. coz it's gonna me more painful to see him getting hurt. hai. how i wish things would be easy. but i know that it's gonna be hell. holding on to someone who already let go.

people tell me to stop and just let him be. can't they see that what they just said could kill me? exaggeration? i don't think so. i can't stand the pain of not being there for him. of not knowing that he's still alive. i'm just gonna go mad.

i know he's absolutely worth none of this. but one thing, one statement changes the whole thing. and people tell me i'm stupid coz of this. well, sorry for following my heart. sorry for wanting happiness. I STILL LOVE HIM.

hai. i feel betrayed. knowing what happened when i was supposed to be there. that made me think. that should've been me if only . . .

why did i have to live such life? things should've been easier if i was killed the moment i was born. so here i am, becoming all suicidal and emo. which is not new anymore. hai.

i find it rather dumb that he replaced love with infatuation. you can't tell people that you love a girl that you've met for just 3 days. especially if ur already in a steady relationship with someone else. that's just plain old stupid. and then having a tattoo that says the other girl's name when u have an existing girlfriend named TETTET, not julie.

but here i am. holding on to him. even if im really really hurting. it makes me wonder, will he ever come back?!?!

why did i have to love someone so blind?!?! everyone can see it. so why can't he?! it's really stupid. REALLY STUPID.

i can't say that i'm losing hope coz i don't believe in hope. but i'm scared of letting go. coz i know that there is still something worth holding on to. but then again, life leads us to places that we never thought possible.

... come back, please?

it's the 13th today. happy monthsary? i don't think so.

2006-04-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

NOW I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO ONLY TREATS YOU AS A FRIEND. NOTHING MORE. NOTHING LESS.

it's really heart wrenching to realize that kind of thing. but, i'm still gonna keep on loving him and hurting myself everytime that we're together as friends. and just that. but the only thing i can't understand is why he has to be so blind when it comes to our situation. it's pretty evident that i still love him and he shows people some signs that he still has feelings for me.

the only thing is. we still act the same. we're friends. yeah. but alang ilangan. and that's a nice thing. haha. but i still act as if he's my guy and he acts as if im his girl. hai. the thing is. who was there when he was down? who was there when he was in shit? who was there to comfort him? who gave up so many things for him? it's not the other one. it's me. so why doesn't he see that?!?

hurt is really filling me up. as in really. and it sucks. bigtime.

i wanna have him back. i wanna win him back.

. . . hope dangles on a string

2006-04-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

wah. first time q na tumakas ng ganon. haha. mgtxt b nmn 1:00 ng umaga tas mgyayaya ng inuman. what?! haha. pero umalis prin aq. anything to see him again. hehe. =)

we were like friends. but the hurt's still there. you know? he asked me qng galit pa aq sa knya and all i answered was "ndi q alam". coz im not really mad at him. im mad at what he did. yes. not at him. we acted as if nothing happened between the both of us. as in we became the dating tet and aiah. astig dba? but the atmosphere just changed when someone [i can't remember who] brought up the tatoo. gaud. i thought i was already over that. but no! im not.

damn. and then we had a fight. as in nagccgawan kme. fuck. as in sigawan. kita pa nila cocoy. =( ang labo na nmn nia. grr. is he making me go aroung in circles? coz im really getting confused. as in really confused. hai. but here i am. trying my hardest to be okay. but at least im sure that his feelings for me are still there. yeah. and that's a relief. he scared me a while ago. he was punching things because of what i said. but i had to say it. i think im okay now coz i've finally told him the words i want to say. and that's good. very good. but my feelings for him will never fade. =)

. . . searching for the light

2006-04-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

wahoo! i think im starting to be okay. hai. at last. bebe's right. katangahan lng tohng gngwa q. it's over. ngsasayang lng kmeng 2 ng oras. we should move on with our own lives. and hopefully, become friends. as in un alang ilangan. haha. as if pde png mngyari un. oh no!

that's what i don't like about "broken relationships". the person u love becomes someone u hate. and that's just out of the picture. i think it's not yet time for us to be friends coz im not really over him even if the whole world knows he's over me already. is it stupid? i don't think so. i just need my time and my space to figure out things. hehe.

yesterday was a blast. EASTWOOD! ang tigas ng mukha q. napadpad aq sa eastwood na P50 lng laman ng wallet q. yup. FIFTY PESOS. haha. SINGKWENTA! haha. sobrang good time tlga. astig. haha. this is how im gonna start moving on. =) having loads and loads of fun. wahoo. ang gago nmen ni bebe. haha. as in trip tlga. haha. close na kme ni jj and ni ench. haha. saya pla nila kasama eh. haha. 747 points sa power station my dears. imagine that. haha. edi ang saya dba? libre pa. haha.

i'll miss gravity. as in sobra. even if i know we're gonna spend the summer together. i'm so gonna miss our sneaking outs and chilling in odeco with kim and aiah. i love bebe and elle. making them part of my life will never be a mistake. =) GRAVITY!

[the GRAVITY legacy moves on to a new chapter]

the schoolyear has officially ended. I SURVIVED SECOND YEAR. haha. and it's a feeling of relief. haha. im done with deadlines and those crap. haha. for now. im gonna focus on what matters most. getting my heart fixed and spending time with my beloved friends. yes. my dear beloved ones. haha.

i wanna be on the safe side now. no more getting hurt for this dudette right here. haha. yes. no more. =) happiness will reign. but im not about to quit my habits just yet. the chig is a sign of what was and what will never be again. or something that might happen again. haha. iunno. bahala na c batman. hehe.

i wanna clear up things with him. so that we could be friends. as in real friends. coz i wanna treasure him as a friend. coz he's a really great friend. =)

bahala na c batman. =)

2006-03-29T06:15:00.000-08:00

monday. 2 weeks after the 13th. IT'S OVER. we're done. with the truth out there. i've got nowhere else to run. was i that vulnerable? or was i just plain old dumb? i loved him so dearly. as in sobra sobra. i didn't leave a speck for me and then he'll treat me like that? UNFAIR. now he wants to be friends?! oh no! i can't. i still love him so much.

tuesday. layas tayo ng bahay para makainom. hehe. i was with him though it felt kind of weird. stashing my poems in his cd case and him returning every single poem to me. that was like "here's your heart back, i don't need it anymore!" hai. i'm back to my old bisyo self. and as much as i hate it, im beginning to love it even more. at least i have temporary happiness. but that's the thing. it's just temporary.

i don't know what to do. i still love him. but i don't know. as in i really don't know. i don't want his friendship. i want his love. but the chances of those are slim. REALLY SLIM. hai. iunno. i guess i just have to suffer. =(

... all i need is you

2006-03-26T00:56:00.000-08:00

it's rather silly to think about things that you're scared of but happens whatever you do. i mean, think about it. you swear to never ever experience that thing but it just catches up to you no matter what. scary eh? yeah. it is. but more than that. it's a very painful experience. you suffer a lot and you don't know what to do. you search for the greatest things in life but then get nothing in return. now isn't that harsh?

i'm suffering so much right now. i literally wanna die. all i think about is that thing that made all my trust for him go "bye bye" and yet not my love. so much for what i hoped. this is the exact reason why i just don't believe in hoping for something. when you get your hopes up and get nothing in return, you get hurt. and i don't want to get hurt anymore. but it seems that nobody cares about that anymore. i try to guard my heart but it's still attacked and shattered into a million or more pieces. if you think the process of getting your heart broken is traumatizing. well, think again. it's picking up the pieces alone that hurts. take note of the word. ALONE.

i miss him, i miss everything about the relationship that was meant to be. but it never happened. hai. it's so sad to see. that he had feelings for her even before he met me. but he told everyone that im the one. but the second she texted him again. his feelings for her came back and the feelings for me vanished. :( sad noh? it is. but im gonna be strong.

2006-03-25T05:23:00.000-08:00

there is no such thing as happiness.

time out. [in the words of jj]

it's so stupid when i think about it. i trusted him so much na i was already in denial. =( that's the thing. i think i trusted him too much that i didn't trust myself anymore. and it really hurts. i mean. i gave up a sure shot just for him. i risked a lot for him. and it's just now that i realize, he wasn't worth it. i was so damn blind. but somehow, i still love him. but i don't trust him. why? he simply doesn't deserve my trust anymore. that might have sound quite harsh. but it's true. i love him. yes, i do. but i don't want to risk getting hurt by him anymore. so i guess this is it. it's over. i just have to gather the guts to say it. he wants a month. a month to what? hurt me. oh no. that's not how it's gonna go. probably within this week.

lord, help me. please?

im just gonna be more stupid if i'd actually want us to pretend. coz it's not gonna work anymore.

BROKEN

i thought this was my last
i hoped it would be my best
but temptation got the best of him
and he was slowly letting go it seemed.

i try to hide it with smiles
just to let the pain go away
"i still love you"
those 4 words, i wanna hear him say.

people say i'm crazy, i'm whacked!
i'm prolonging the pain
but i say with tears
no, my trust is what i want him to gain.

the truth is i love him still
and there should be no one to blame
oh dear lord, how i wish
that somehow we'd stay the same

i want to win him back coz i love him so dearly
but the truth hurts, it's him that doesn't want me
i hope he'd prove this otherwise, i hope he still cares
whatever happened to the promise that he'll always be there?

- do you see how much i love him? -

. . . in dire need of help

2006-03-16T05:57:00.000-08:00

im finally happy.

yeah. you heard that right. happiness reigns once again.

you might be wondering why. i can't blame you. it's like there's a total change of character. but there are still days that i cry my heart out and it's starting to be a relief - to cry all you want and still have somebody that you can talk to and who would support you all the way.

NOW I KNOW THAT DEATH IS DEFINITELY NOT THE ANSWER!

you know what else i learned? my friends really care about me. bebe, elle, aida, dice, miko, aiah, te dm, te syra, te sam, millet, kev and so many more. a thousand nor a million thanks would never be enough to express my gratitude to you guys. thanks a lot. =)

you know how people say that 13 is an unlucky number. YOU'RE WAY WRONG! it's the most wonderful number i've ever stumbled upon. wanna know why?

woah.

2006-01-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

Linguistics

100%

Theater

100%

Philosophy

100%

English

100%

Engineering

100%

Journalism

100%

Sociology

100%

Mathematics

92%

Art

83%

Psychology

75%

Dance

75%

Biology

42%

Anthropology

33%

Chemistry

17%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!)
created with QuizFarm.com

see this? woah. so should i really be a linguistics major. im thinking more about philosophy major. or journalism. haha. isn't it too early to start thinking about what i wann do for the rest of my life? haha. i don't think it is. there's not a chance in hell that id screw up again. yeah. i know that. so i guess. i have 4 choices for college - linguistics, philosophy, journalism or legal management. hmm. let's see

linguistics - gaud. the wonders of so may languages just amazes me.
philosophy - life has done me wonders and crap. i wanna know it's real meaning.
journalism - i just love putting my thoughts on paper.
legal management - i really wanna be a lawyer.

as for my problem with regards to christmas. i only have 2 choices. stop fighting for him and hope that he'll come back. OR. fight for him without getting my hopes up. both are so complicated. grr. so this is my life. a complicated road that has a lot of twist and turns. but. what's at the end of the road? answer me. please?

I STILL LOVE YOU!

lack of happiness

2006-01-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

im confused, hurt and lost all at the same time. death's already knocking on my door. but i really don't want to die. all i want is to be saved. and i think you know who can save me.

i never thought id love you this much. im already on the brink yet all i think of is you. what's wrong with me? did i really attach myself to you? i can't show any emotion anymore. im filling my world with fake smiles. i wanna take off the mask. but there's no difference. they both let you see who i am. inside and out. im trying to overcome my fears by placing smiles on my face. i lack happiness. yes i do. i don't think i can ever be happy again. so. save me, please?

"what do you do when the drug that's keeping u alive is killing u up inside?"

hmm. difficult question. coz if i discontinue the use of this drug. id end up being hurt. or worse. dead. but if i continue it. i may die. but i'll die with happiness on my side. id be complete once again. but here's the catch

"what if the said drug was out of stock?"

i don't wanna find alternatives. this is my drug. therefore it is my obligation. i am also held liable for everything that happens to the drug. but circumstances being what they are. the drug is no longer there for me. i've searched everywhere for this drug. now it's in the clutches of someone new. and it hurts so much.

is it a crime to ask you to still hold on? coz if it is. im gonna go to jail with a smile on my face. IF you hold on.

it's now that i am at a loss. i don't know what to do anymore. maybe one day. you would know that i died of depression. or maybe ud fight with me. i don't know. im fighting but im not hoping. yeah. it's hard. but i must.

look at this song. natamaan aq. just read it nlng.

CLAIRVOYANT DISEASE

by Avenged Sevefold

Dust begins to fall, to the ground

The air is cold and thin

Thoughts are haunting me as I look around

This will never end and I'll bleed forever

Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong

This spot in hell's where I belong

I've come so far - it's been so long

Don't know why it started or where it came from

Outside shell is strong - confident

But slowly eats away

Like a man plagued with disease, I try to fight

Through my pores it seems to seep...I'll bleed forever

Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong

This spot in hell's where I belong

I've come so far - it's been so long

Don't know why it started or where it came from

And you sit there and do nothing

You're content with doing nothing

There's nowhere to run and hide

when you're living to die

Stuck alone inside your head,better off dead

The phone would ring in the empty house,no one's around.

Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong

This spot in hell's where I belong

I've come so far - it's been so long

Don't know why it started or where it came from

But in my life, I wanted more, I needed more I taste more

why is it that the only person that i really loved left me alone to fight? answer me. please?

i'll be waiting. ur running a race with death. let's see who comes to me first.

I STILL LOVE YOU!

vindication

2006-01-04T04:29:00.001-08:00

im finally winning this so-called battle.

ur back. and i swear never to lose u again.

im fine just being this.

at least we know what and where we are at this very moment.

and i just want to thank u for everything.

it's now that i can truly say that there is a rainbow after the rain.

the greatest things in life are worth fighting for.

we might get hurt along the way but we're just gonna get stronger and stronger.

and that is way true.

i was right when i told u im gonna hold on.

coz hey

I STILL LOVE YOU

merry xmas

2005-12-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

so i thought. i didn't have a merry christmas. i got my heart broken on the day itself. gaud.

yeah. we are friends. right? but it's hard you know. still loving you but you left me out of the blue. holding on when uv already let go. it's just so damn hard.

ur right when u told me that ur a big loss. yeah. i am mad at you. but that doesn't keep me from loving you.

im still gonna fight. and i don't care if ur with me or not. but im not expecting u to come back to me. but it would be nice if you would.

my emo level has dropped to the deepest level so far. and it's just too overwhelming. know why? kc u didn't give me a chance to explain. and that is WAY unfair.

if i have to live in the shadows of this. i would gladly do. coz i just can't get over you.

we've been throught a lot. and we both know it. i mean, crap never pulled us down. and yet you gave up. gave up on the only real thing we had.

now i envy her. ur bestfriend. wanna know why? coz i know ur gonna go straight to her. and not to me.

STARTING FROM SCRATCH. it's something i am most unfamiliar with.

but i'll face it. and fight. coz hey ..

I STILL LOVE YOU

a not so merry xmas

2005-12-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

a not so merry xmas lies before me. why? it's because of my stupidity. gaud. but hei, i think we're okay. just verify it to me. please?

anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

may you be happy this season. [unlike me]

I STILL LOVE YOU!

regrettin

2005-12-21T01:28:00.000-08:00

i always feared losing you. yet here i am pushin u away. call me stupid. call me stubborn. i'll accept everythin u tell me. gaud. i just don't want to lose you.

i've been crying for like 5 straight days already. my eyes are not eyes anymore. yet i choose this over telling you what i really feel. i really don't know why.

i made a mistake the day before. and i didn't do anything to make it up to you the next day. and now i fear you telling me that you love her more than me. but why do i fear this if i'm the one who made you love her more than me? gaud. how come ur the only person who could make me think like this?

why is it that everytime love comes along. i become stupid. so damn stupid. i mean, think about it. i told myself i'd be with you. but i didn't do it. and now i'm regrettin every single part of it. oppurtunities were in front of me. and i didn't grab a single one. gaud. did i really turn blind?

i never felt like this before. i never felt this strong about my feelings for someone, yet here i am making mistakes and pushin you farther and farther away from me. damn. can't the lord just take me now and end the misery i cause to everyone around me?

i thought i was doing the right move. i mean, i thought by doing this we'd both be happy. but i was wrong. so damn wrong.

i know i don't have the right to be scared of losing you because it's my fault. but gaud. i really don't want to lose you. i love you. and that won't change. gaud.

ang emo q. sobra. yet i like this feeling. i like the feeling that i'm telling people what i really feel about you. i should have done this a long time ago.

i feel like i'm such a burden to you. you wouldn't be feeling this thing if it weren't for me. i mean, kung ndi aq pumasok sa buhay mo. ndi ka sna nsktan ng ganito.

i told u before na i fear hurtin you. but here i am. i've already hurt you.

"the unwelcomed feeling still passes through the door of my heart"

- uv heared me say this line before. still im feelin it. gaud. i thought i was strong. no. i'm vulnerable. i thought i was doin the right thing. but i wasn't. now ur a million kilometers away. and even if i hold out my hand. ud never be able to reach it. and it's all because of my damn stupidity.

"i never hoped to be vindicated with such feelings"

- i never hoped for us to get into a fight like this. i mean, there is a time na mei mgttst tlga satin qng hanggang saan tau. pero i never thought it would be this hard. but i still want to be with you. it's just that i really really love you. and i don't want to lose you at all.

it's the first time i felt scared. everytime i look around my shoulder, i feel there's someone who's gonna get you from me. i think we both know who she is. she's scared of me but i'm threatened by her.

it's not too late. i know that. and i'm gonna do anything to make it up to you.

I STILL LOVE YOU!

i just want something more than this

2005-12-09T02:06:00.000-08:00

well. as usual. it's been ages since my last post. haha. ahm, i was vindicated for the past few days. haha.

- INTRAMS -

well, frankly. when we started practicing for rhythmic. i was really being tortured. i mean, i wanted to stop dancing and get my glove and run to the field and play softball. but being part of the rhythmic event turned out quite fulfilling. i started knowing nothing on how to dance but i ended it with some knowledge about the art of dancing. haha.

- 12.04.05 -

uber nice day. haha. SUNDAY. so, no gimmick. grr. haha. bsta2. the details about this day, i will not elaborate. but the people who know why. haha. keep it a secret nlng. haha. let's just put it this way. i was never this happy before this day. haha. aiun lng.

- THE ONGOING WAR -

ur gonna lose dude. whatever you do. how hard you fight. ur gonna lose. u bet my life on it.

- i heard you cry yesterday. but while you were crying, i died for a moment. i thought my problems were hard, but seeing, hearing or even the thought of u crying makes me wanna die. gaud. just don't cry again. please. -

- would u believe me if i told u that i don't believe in God, but i believe in Jesus. haha. yeah, it's weird. but this is i. and no one will compromise the real me. -

- if this ur world, and u want me in it. without a doubt, i'll be there. -

- im searching for something real. something worth my while. something that might hurt me but would make me strong as well. something i won't regret -

~ tet

the nerve

2005-11-21T03:14:00.000-08:00

i know this would sound awkward but let me do my post in tagalog. just for today.

ang kapal nmn ng mukha mo! austin my ass! u just don't know what you got yourself into. u challenged rahcel [which would lead to death] and u challenged me [which would just make the way of your death so painful but so long! im talkin about torture! a word even u can understand!]

ive got to give u credit ineng. u really researched for a site na pwde nmeng paniwalaan! pero semplang pa rin dude eh. tsk tsk. gsto mo turuan kta qng pano mgcnungaling? as in un ppniwalaan? kc let's face it. u need the help.

pero to make things short. u should have known better that to step on rachel and me. good luck nlng tlga seo.

"tag on mine? loser!"

why?

2005-11-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

what is the purpose of loving someone? seriously. the only thing u get from loving someone is being hurt and all those grief/guilty stuff. you [i] always end up hurt and lonesome. the whole world is against me and i need to be convincing enough so that i'm not the bad person in this story called love. but am i not just making a big fuss about it? i mean, i can love without getting hurt. but why do i still get hurt?

does love really make you stupid? is it supposed to make you strong even if you're miserable inside? why do people miss the IMPORTANT signs when they're head over heels about this person? can't you be in love but still be logical and all that?

i guess it's up to the persons involved. hhhaaaiii. now i understand why you need to balance anything and everything.

we had this "sentence completion test" a while ago in guidance and i almost burst into tears. i mean, i took the test so seriously that i was really becoming open and acceptable for once. and the world didn't end. accepting my feelings won't cause me death, it'll cause me so much more. a new thought about myself and i'll appreciate everyone, including me, more.

just a realization dudes! =)

why is it always me?

2005-11-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

i am in deeeeep shit. =( and i just can't help but think. why am i always the one that gets hurt? why is it always me? can't i just be happy .. for once? my world is full of clutter and i'm the only one picking up the pieces. and it hurts so much. i just wanna feel that there's still someone that's gonna be there for me. even i change. even if i'm dead. demanding ba? pero totoo nmn eh. it's just nice to know that u can hold on to me something real. for a change.

i've been hangin on and the person that i've held onto, are slowly slipping away. and it sucks! i just don't want something this good to end. sometimes i want to break down but somehow i find strength. i find strength and sometimes it's scary. it makes me feel invulnerable which is SO not me. i mean, i tell people that i wanna be me. as in the real me and then i hide behind the shadows of something that isn't real.

hai.

=(

ganito pla

2005-11-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

ganito pla kpg mei kaagaw ka...

drama eh? haha. but it's true. ang sakit pla. it's like eating me up inside and i'm trying so hard to find the way out but as i look around, i tell myself to fight the pain and be there for him. i really want to burst in tears and i just want to break down but somehow, i find inner strength and stand tall and just fight for him. but i can't stop myself from asking why.

why should i fight when i know that she can love him better?
why shouldn't i be breaking down?
why can't i be really strong?
why can't all this shit end?
hhhaaaiii.

i'm falling into something i never wanted to enter. but day by day, it becomes clearer to me.

=(

to you [kung cno ka man]

i'll always be here for you. no matter what shit u get into. u just look around and i'll be there. don't worry. we're gonna face this together. ayt?

=)

...

2005-11-05T14:30:00.000-08:00

yeah! sofball! haha. dice and i went to bf yesterday tas we played softball. haha. i miss softball. it's the one thing that can actually relieve the pain that i feel! the day was okay. it was sunny and bright but one thing made it better. haha.

anyway back to softball. haha. we were already sinking our teeths into playing softball when the stupid KOREANS came with their soccer ball [which was WAY bigger than the softball] grr. so dice and i decided to leave. but my blood was boiling tlga. ang kakapal nmn ng mga mukha nila! nkkta na nga nila kameng ngllaro tas kung umasta cla parang kanila un field! ang kapal tlga ng mga mukha nila! haha.

i was so thirsty for water! so dice and i went to the karakuch kc we thought mei water dun. but the karakuch was closed. =( haha. so we walked home nlng but we had an hour and a half stopover. haha. thanks dice! love you! haha

that was yesterday. today is looking like a normal day but i can't fell the kick for me to jumpstart my day. =P

all the crap in the world

2005-11-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

prng kme pero ndi tlga kme. ang tindi ng feelings q para sa kanya tas ganon din daw xa for me. pero bkt nttkot aq? bkt kpg kausap q xa feel q mgbbreakdown aq kc ndi kme. ang sakit tlga eh.

i am his friend. pero sometimes i want to be more. but if i am more than that. it's just gonna be this complicated thing. i'm screaming for something. but that something does not exist.

it's hard to keep these feelings but i'm supposed to. and it's just waiting for me to burst in tears and actually admitting to him what i really feel.

haai

this sucks

2005-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

hei. it's been a long time since i've posted here. haha. and i really feel guilty about it. many things have gone through and i've released alot of feelings. and i have never thought about posting here but here i am, posting again. haha. i just feel so redundant! haha. [tama ba spelling?]

anyway. i won't be giving every detail about everything that has happened to me but i will give the important stuff. haha.

august 30 as my most recent blog eh? haha. it's been so long tlga. ahm. my past activites. to tell u the truth i just remember the science week, confirmation, giving out of cards and the fight! haha. that's all.

SCIENCE WEEK
--- GO BIYAYA! ---
~ i was part of the stage play. haha. i was tonton the tamaraw. yeah. i was a tamaraw. haha. funny ba? haha. it was all about biodiversity and stuff. haha. we were like practicing every now and then because we really wanted to have the first place and luckily we did! haha.

CONFIRMATION
~ time to recieve the holy spirit! haha. yeah! the holy spirit is in the school of the holy spirit q.c. haha. ang saya kaia. haha. it was so organized. haha. ang astig. haha. i still want to sing "to the ends of the Earth"! haha.

GIVING OUT OF CARDS
~ hay nako! before i got my card i was having a very BIG nervous breakdown tas i was really starting to cry because my varsity thing is all about the grades. and i would never forgive myself but with the "awa" of GOD i managed to have nice grades. haha.

THE FIGHT?
i'd rather forget all about it. haha. =)

pre birthday giggles

2005-08-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

im currently excited about the fact that my birthday is gonna come after some days na. haha. kktkot tumanda. haha. aiun lng. super tiring nitong day kc we had our linggo ng wika celebration eh. hehe.

take a breather

2005-08-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

[taking a deep breath.. mmm.. okei] DONE! done with those 4 dreadful days that SHSians call the exams. haha. whew! done with that. and done with all the things that come with it. YAHOO! xempre. as always. after the exams. gimmick agad. haha.

GALLE! haha. i miss it so much. haha. i was with rene, ma, cza, cel, bebe, ate nia, dice, pto, nicole, juvan, erika, kaine, arielle, patlo and adalem. dami ba? but we weren't really together the whole time. we just bumped into them. haha. we went there via jeep and mrt. haha. ang saia saia mag mrt. haha. ang saya! grabe! haha.

it was so fun. haha. pero sobrang nkkpgod nmn. haha. as in ngcommute lng tlga kame. as in commute! cnbi q bng nagCOMMUTE kme? as in alang taxi. amp.

pero masaya tlga xa. haha. ngwla kme sa starbuck's. haha. ala lng. haha. =P aiun lng. =)

done.

2005-08-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

im finally done editting my blog. haha. also done with stat and computer. haha. im also done with the shit that's been following me around for almost 3 months now. haha. i feel SO free. haha. and i just don't know if im supposed to be bragging about it. haha.

later. tomorrow. whatever.

~ tired.

running out of time

2005-08-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

am i numb? no. it can't be. im the one reaching out here. how can u tell me that im the numb one. at least i still give a damn to catch up and even patch things up with her. but no. she tells me that i suddenly disappeared and now im to late. what the f*ck?!?!?! many things happened. so many. that's why i want to patch things up. hei. i miss her. and it's not my fault that they migrated to the states when we were in grade 2. i emailed and emailed her over and over again. is it possible that my time to patch things up is slowly running out? what should i do?!?!?!?!?

~ confused

new layout

2005-08-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

august 6. new layout. everybody's fool. haha. sleepy na aq. later.

back in the game

2005-07-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

i'm back! you heard that right! i am back! back to pour my emotions in the pitcher which i call my blog. haha. Ü i really missed my blog. i miss the feelings that i used to let out everytime i type here. haha. i can't promise myself na i'd be able to blog every single day. but i'll try to. hehe. Ü

last blog q was march 30, 2005. and it's already july 6! gaud! ang haba na! mga 3 months mhigit na aqng ndi ngbblog! gaud! i really miss it! haha. Ü

the reason i want to blog again is mainly because of the things that happened and those that are happening. haha. Ü. 2nd yr is fun! it is. but there are more responsibilities. i guess i kinda forseed that already. but it's just a pain. irgh! haha. pero 2nd yr is jam - packed with events that would just make you want to laugh your heart out. haha. Ü

new schoolyear, new section, new set of classmates, new set of teachers. SAME friends. haha. that's what i like about it. there is nothing hindering friends to still become friends even if their away. haha. Ü it's like this unwritten rule of friendship. haha. Ü

i'll get back to this nlng. haha. need to do somethings pa. Ü

diwa

2005-03-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

haha. 2 mored days b4 april 1. the day when the teachers will be calling us. hehe. knkbhan na aq. don't wanna go to summer school! unfair kaia un! hehe.

-- school -- diwa --

i miss this section already. i miss our daily routines. our kalokohans, kagaguhan and everything that made diwa DIWA! hehe. labo ba? i just wanna repeat 1 day of my life as a part of that oh so fabulous section. haha. tandang tanda q pa kpag umaga, sobrang bangag ni yana. lging ngsskandalo dun sa may stairs!

haha. pgpasok namen sa classroom, andun cla brenda, mikee, liberty, bianca, thea, karla and arnie [dati] sa isang sulok gmgwa [ngkkpyahan] ng answers sa homeworks namen. tapos pglapag na pglapag q ng bag q, ttwgin aq ni brenda tapos mgddmayan kame sa mga problema. hehe. tapos kkha na aq ng things q sa locker tas ggwa kame ni pto ng homeworks. hehe. saia. hehe. tapos mgrring un bell tapos classes na. haha.

tapos kpg boring un lesson, kakain nlng kame or mgttxt. during the lesson! eh lagi nmn kc kameng lusot eh. kaia solve na solve samen. hehe. bsta. simple but elegant tlga tong section na toh! wanna betü?

isaw

2005-03-29T22:27:00.001-08:00

nakakain na rin kame ng isaw ni ate. haha. so na addict na nmn kame ni mimi sa isaw. haha. ü

can't think of a title. Ü

2005-03-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

hei there. haha. i woke up mga 12:30 kanina. haha. uhhm. i ate lunch and then i called ate and asked her if she's going to come here tapos she said yeah. haha. so i had something to do for the day diba? haha. tapos when she went here na, she made kwento and i made kwento. haha. tapos bigla niang na icpang mgbsa ng hair nia dito sa bahay. eh ndi naman aq maka angal kc it was really hot. haha. edi aun. basa ang buhok ni ate. after that, she told me that she wanted to eat, i asked her what tas sbi nia kahet ano raw, so sabi q isaw, so aun, clear na isaw na un kakainin namen. but the problem is. san kame mkkbili ng isaw? haha. so pumunta nlng kame sa bf hoping na may isawan don, pero ala eh. haha. so she just bought ice cream and i bought coke. haha.

after nun, she gave me some "mondo". i really didn't know what that is. [innocent me, yeah i know. haha.] but still she gave me a bottle of it. so aun. haha. it tasted good naman. haha. after nun, we went to her house kc she wanted to do something. haha. eh if she was going to do that something, i need to do something on my own or else i'd be staring into space [which i normally do]. so i just sent some of my pictures to their pc and then we burned it in a cd. un lng.

so i went back to my house kc dinner na raw. after dinner we met each other again. haha. tapos she asked me if i had a cajon [right ba spelling?] tapos i said yes naman. haha. tapos we started to play songs na. haha. i played some on the guitar tapos susundan nia with the cajon. haha. eh we started to get bored na so ininvite nlng namen c ej kc we know that he knows some songs on the guitar. haha. so aun. ngkayayaan na naman. tapos ndi na cla ganon ka rame. pero after some time, may dumating na persons [i don't know their names kc they really haven't introduced me to them. haha.] uber galing mgcajon and guitar. impressive tlga. haha. eh tinawag na aq nila mama. haha. aun. haha. un lng. Ü

someone asked me a question kanina. bkt kapag minahal mo na xa, mahirap mging friends nlng? aywan q ba! [barok noh? haha.] madali cgurong mkpagplastican, pero minahal mo na kc xa kaia mahirap tanggapin na wala na keo. they say "friendship is the next best thing when you break up with him/her" i don't really think so. kc there's this unexplainable feeling u get when u see him and then he looks at u and the whole world suddenly changes and u need to pinch urself so that u can be normal again [normal?] i don't know. love is a funny game. no directions, just hints. Ü

vacation???

2005-03-27T22:55:00.000-08:00

vacation? haha. i had my "vacation" sa bicol for 5 days. haha. we were supposed to go there because it was my tita's kasal. i really didn't think i would enjoy nad have fun. but u know what? i did have fun! a blast! the beach was heavenly! SO HEAVENLY! so tlgang senti mode aq. haha. anyway. so aiun. i really thought of the wrong thing. haha.

i was just staring at the waves, the beach, the view and so many thoughts came into my mind. deep thoughts. i really let my emotions go. i released them into the sea and i want the waves to take them to somewhere so far so i can never feel those kinds of emotions ever again. emotions that made me feel so drained. so little. so confused. all the emotions that made me become so miserable. i released them. and i hope, i wish that i will always be free from them!

and now we're finally back in manila. gaud. i missed this place alot. haha. ang saya kanina. some friends of mine [tan, dancol, jonnel, ej and ean] made tambay sa may gate namen. haha. i finally got to greet tan a happy birthday. haha. Ü. we just made kwento and stuff. haha. un lng. tapos ej asked me kung cnu raw un Ü q. haha. i was speechless. haha. yoko ngang mgslita. bblik na naman un mga emotions na tinapon q eh. haha. un lng.

happy easter to y'all! Ü

bangag na tao!

2005-03-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

haha. potek! ang layo ng naabot namen! haha. dapat sa royale place lng. pero naka abot kaming gale! and take note! ndi kame sumablay! haha. la lng! potek! ang saya! haha Ü

i experienced pur bliss this time even if im deepressed. aaacck. very happy ü haha. uh just chillin in coffee bean. then suddenly we decided to go to gale. whahaha. im very happy but deep inside me im hurt. i wanna breakdown - brends15

haha. aiun. from brenda's point of view un! haha. but so many more happened! haha. Ü. todo! haha. we were only going to c.b to chill and hang, but suddenly some students from our school arrived and we were so embarrassed na we were just there! alam mo un, as in it's the last day tapos sa c.b. lng kame! haha. so, we went to ever c/o brenda's bus! haha. bnba kame sa may mcdo. tapos sa mcdo, nkita namen cla chelsea, they told us na they just commuted going to mcdo. haha. they had a problem kc ndi cla marunong tumawag ng taxi! first time nilang mgcommute! haha. so kame na ung pumara ng taxi for them. haha. after that. we decided to go to gale nlng! haha. so pumara na kame ng taxi! haha. eh katxt q un kuya (kinakapatid) q! eh sabi nia asa starbuck's katips daw xa. eh on the way naman un so i figured that i can just drop by him so that i can get some money from him! i really needed the money! haha. pero he didn't give me any! bummah! haha. pero nakapunta rin kameng gale! haha. ang saya! actually, ndi namen alam kung saang bnda ng gale un skybowl and un gas! so we just made libot gale and then we saw skybowl so ngbilliards nlng kame! haha. saya naman! haha. first time ni brenda kanina mgbilliards! haha. inosente! haha. so pgktpos namen mgbilliards, we went to the foodcourt so we could eat our lunch! haha. after nun nkita namen cla kat'am sa may mcdo! haha. la lng! haha. Ü after nun we were really out of money na! haha. so i was forced to change my dollar to pesos! take note ah DOLLAR! haha. after nun, we went to gas! sandali lng kame dun! haha. as in todo sandali nlng kc we started to see people we knew walking around! haha. so alis na kame dun! after nun, we went to dreamscape kc pnpunta kame nila tel. haha. after nun, kumain kame ng fishballs! so nktmbay kame sa may stairs while taking pictures of ourselves! haha. after that we went to sun cellular kc i activated the GPRS and MMS ng fon q. after nun nantrip nlng kame ng mga tao and posters dun sa may moviehouse! after nun tumambay nlng kame sa skybowl kc we needed to wait for my mom! kc xa un sundo namen! haha. Ü.

exhausted yet ok! haha. really had a blast! Ü

hay nako..

2005-03-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

ugh! 2nd day of exams! ggrr.. ngaun n nga lng aq nkblog eh! :( exams tlga. it's like this boundary hindering me from being free! xempre. kelangan mgreview! potek! yoko nga magreview eh! haha. buti pa un mga graduating students and pupils! they're free! pero nga lng whole day cla pero they're free to do as they please after classes! ggrr. and the undergraduates are busy reviewing! ggrr.. haha.

for the last few days i have been admiring a non - existential character, and i don't know if i should ba happy about that. parang un "crux q c legolas pero ndi q crux c orlando bloom" kind of thing un nanyayare sakin! and it's something i don't like! :( haha. pero crux lng naman to eh! it's nothing harmful! haha. Ü

o cge.. gotta go.. really need to study the talasalitaan sa pinoi! haha. byie!

! 9 days til kuya's bday !
! 2 days til trina's bday !

exams..

2005-03-13T14:15:00.000-08:00

gaud. exams are fast approaching and it's tearing my brain apart! :( and i don't like the feeling! haha. but what can i do? i need the exams for me to be promoted to 2nd year! yoko nga mgrepeat! :) haha. i already finished sutdying 2 out of 8 subjects! haha. nice noh! anyway. i've got to go! really need to study! :)

! 4 days til trina's bday !
! 11 days til kuya's bday !

2005-03-12T05:37:00.000-08:00

at last! a day with all smiles! :) hay. after suffering for the whole week! i actually got to breath! and that breath signalled new hope. i just hope that i can breath this whole week (exams na sa 14)! though it's a total bummer! i won't let it bring me down! i don't want to spoil this moment!

last saturday class namen today! and it's a big relief! it means that i can actually catch up on my sleep! and that's a really good thing! and i'm also project free! yeah! another relief! i never thought that i would be this relaxed again! and i really thank god for this day! after officially telling myself that i am project free.. here comes fame!

haha. FAME! play ng Forte Impromptu (f.i!) potek! ang ganda! dapat c ate patcor s nick! hay nako.. andaming ang ggling mag act! uber saya! haha. dalang dala ni ate julienne un role nia! kaya sobrang saya! hu would have thought that a girl so kikay as her could portray a role as a guy so well! haha. astig nga eh! haha. un lng.

all in all! I'M HAPPY NA!

how blind can i get?

2005-03-11T02:46:00.000-08:00

really had a day worth living for and a day that killed me inside. i had so many ups and downs today. ups made me feel as if i was living the best day of my life. but the downs brought me to the deepest part of hell.

why does this world want me to be more confused every day? what did i do to deserve this kind of life? i know that i'm not perfect but is anyone perfect? NO! that's why that's not an excuse to give me this kind of life! and this life is pure shits and damns! and i'm really sick of it. for once i really want to be happy! as in really happy. but this life i have will never let me be happy. so what's the use in fighting for my happiness if i know that i'm going to lose even if i fight with all my capabilities! and this is really shitty!

for once i want to stand up for myself, confront everyone that made me feel this way! but how? i'm scared of them not understanding me, when i speak my mind, i speak different kinds of words that make me say to myself

"stop it tet! ur losing the point!" but the problem with me is that i never know how to stop myslef from causing troubles and conflicts! hay nako. i really think the only thing hindering me from discovering the real me is myself..

change...

2005-03-10T01:21:00.000-08:00

had a really tiring day today. i even cried. 2 times to be exact. we had an open forum kc knina. eh ngopen aq ng something about someone. i became emotional kc i was talking about our effort and her not really exerting effort into anything we did as a group. cnu bang ndi mbbd3p kpg todo bigay ka na sa something tapos ndi man lng xa mgeexcert ng katiting na effort? pero okay na rin naman kame! everything and everyone is forgiven. Ü

hay nako. i think most of the people sa class became emotional kanina kc it was the last forum of diwa for this schoolyear! aaww! haha Ü

i really don't like cramming! gaud! but i need to! i'm under pressure. TIME PRESSURE to be exact! haha. Ü! i have this tendency to hate cramming when i'm a total crammer! i don't know what that means. pero i think it means that i should hate myself. but i can't do that. if i do. so many things will happen. bad things. really bad things! and i don't want that to happen! no one wants bad things happening to yourself! duh! Ü

confusion seems to be striking me every single day of my "damned" life. i can actually tell others that my life is officially damned! i don't know why i came up with this conclusion, i just feel alone these past few days. if not alone, i'm isolated! but being rejected is one of my biggest fears. but it seems that everyday, i come face to face with rejection! i feel damned and like shit! pero i still say to myself na

"anu ka ba tet, u have friends naman eh! u just underestimate them. u underestimate their capacity to help you!"

but as i say this to myself. fears and doubts run through my mind as well! i don't know why tlga. basta there is a part of me telling me that i should be ready to take so many risks, but there is also this part of me that's telling me to stick to ME. the tet most of you know. and it hurts to change. and i think changing the whole you is IMPOSSIBLE! time will be the one to tell if i can change!

i'm serious about my treasure

2005-03-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

exams are near na! tama bang isabay ang a.p at math? gaud! ang hirap ng lyp namen! haha. Ü. tama ba naman kc un eh. ang hirap nun mga un eh! sana maka abot pa un mga utak namen sa friday diba! sana lng. ndi naman kc cla humihingi ng opinions ng mga students about the schedule of exams eh! cguro akala nila na un ssbhin ng mga students "walang exams!" actually pwede rin un -- pero, khet ppno marunong kame mgseryososo noh! kahet na pilya kame, we still know the right time to be serious. we're already old enough to understand those things noh!

but does being serious actually get you somewhere? yeah, i think so -- most of the people that have high positions are REALLY serious! but they should learn to loosen up sometimes. you can't be serious all the time! where's the fun in that? you gotta smile someday! Ü

pero bkt pagdating sa love. halos lahat ngssryoso. ndi q alam. as in seryosong seryoso cla -- as in mggnaw un mundo kapag nawala na un love nila. i mean, u just can't attach yourself to only one person. what about God? ur parents? friends? yes, that person may mean so much to you, but there are persons out there that make you a part of their lives. it only means one thing! u'r special to them. so if i were you i'd also treasure them back! Ü

reality check

2005-03-08T01:11:00.000-08:00

alam nio ba un song na -- disconnected -- by lindsay lohan? Ü sobrang ganda nun song! it's like telling others what you truly feel. it's just another one of those teenage problems and teenage self - discovery songs. but this one puts it all into perspective. as in ALL into perspective.

sleeping awake, and awake when i'm sleeping. i've got a dry kind of thirst when drenched. On sunny days all i can see is a shadow. i'm not above being under. i'm at the brink though i know that i'm empty. i always hide when it's my turn to seek. my only belief is not to have faith in believing. before i begin, i'm over.

disconnected. broken off again. and i'm only not lonely when i'm lonely by myslef. disconnected. numb in pain again. i always backtrack forward coz all in all i'm disconnected.

quietly loud while i'm noisily silent. keep holding my breath when i'm trying to breath. swimming against all of my waves and rapids. i only win when i'm losing.

disconnected. broken off again. and i'm only not lonely when i'm lonely by myself. disconnected. numb in pain again. i always backtrack forward coz all in all i'm disconnected.

i just wanna live my life sedated. coz i love driving myself away. disfunctionally sane don't give a damn. i can't comprehend what i understand.

disconnected. broken off again. and i'm only not lonely when i'm lonely by myself. disconnected. numb in pain again. always backtrack forward coz all in all i'm disconnected.

-- DISCONNECTED --

cute noh?Ü it's just giving u a taste of what most of the teenagers go through. and what they think of theirselves. it's speaking metaphorically. and that's what i like about it. u disconnected urself from the person u became SO accustomed to that you strive to find the real you. the you that you have wanted to be all these years. it's just a taste of reality. a bittersweet taste of it.Ü

2005-03-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

music practical test kanina -- kind of okay, 95 as our grade. i'd already give it a thumbs up. thanks y'all.

i learned to play a lot of new songs on the guitar these past few days. ganon pla un. kpg isa nkkalam ng chords ng isang song, share agad. tlga naman. the power of friendship! haha. that's why i think na essential ang friends. kc naman cnu ba ang mbbhay ng alang friends? metaphorically un ah. haha. pero kung iicpn mo, kung ala kang friends, you would really try to have friends. true naman diba? Ü

FRIENDS = HOPE = CONTENTMENT

right naman diba? sari - sariling pagkakaintindi na yan. basta kung un iniicp q un iniicp mo. tama un pginterpret mo! kung ndi, okay lng!

a question still lingers in my mind.

"bkt ba ganito ang life?"

bkt nga ba? is life a representation of what you dream to be, or is it something u want to hold so close and never let go of it? what ever it is. i just have one explanation of life -- life is something given to s, why waste it? -- i'm not really good at words. so to those who can understand my statement. GOOD! if not. GOOD RIN!

! nga pala. 17 days nlng bday na ni kuya !
! nga pala. 10 days nlng bday na ni trina!